Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
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I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Mornin
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised