4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
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Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
no!! no!!!!!!
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
He a real one for that
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.