How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
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me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.