On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
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Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.