Lmao 🤣
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The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
This is I, Robot all over again
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Is fructose made with real fruct?
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?