“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
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ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Best spoiler warning ever
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Effort made
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.