Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
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I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.