the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
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I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.