I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
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“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene