I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
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shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
yeet
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971