Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
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Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Solving a traffic jam
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Ok, but like, how married are you?
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah