Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
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Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
the rocks need my help
You learn something every day
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.