Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
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What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
The glory of fall.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please