when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
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wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Good morning, Twitter x
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started