I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
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1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.