The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
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sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
my fav colour is also hitler
i meant to share this earlier
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees