do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
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Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
✌️
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
I’m confused about plants
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.