My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
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“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Beware of fowl play.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.