Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
You Might Also Like
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Bruh PLEASE
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.