When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
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I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
All set.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
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My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword