I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
You Might Also Like
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
There’s never enough good news
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!