Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
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Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
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My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
satan: not today, microsoft teams
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.