Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
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If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Ha
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal