Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
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Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood