Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
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“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Hey i am sexy to you now
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx