went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
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I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
My safe word is Worcestershire