If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
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My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Baller is short for ballerina
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.