“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
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If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I’m a self-made hundredaire
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”