I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
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[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.