Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
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My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
rise and shine we got egg
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.