When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
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I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Bruh PLEASE
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*