justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
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Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Feel. He’s so soft.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.