Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
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You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.