If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
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If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)