My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
You Might Also Like
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra