Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
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ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea