When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
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He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN