Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
You Might Also Like
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Always the camel, never the toe.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”