I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
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*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.