A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
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the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.