[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
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[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter