Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
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“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces