HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
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I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Damn what did I do next
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.