the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
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Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won鈥檛 listen until you scream like your mother did.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 馃ぃ
Can’t stop laughing
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 馃憦馃徏馃憦馃徏馃憦馃徏
Yes I鈥檝e gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You鈥檙e heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what鈥檚 he doing
me: oh, there鈥檚 a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Cop: ma鈥檃m i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn鈥檛 want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn鈥檛 have a dog in the car
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.