WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
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me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
Seems legit
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.