I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
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Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework