My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
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[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.