I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
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I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance