“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
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Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
This guy gets it.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
The glory of fall.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
A game married people play.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind