Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
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I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket